This isn't my home without you
by MelimeGreenleaf
Summary: The threat was over and Spock was back, now Kirk hoped that his feelings were finally returned.


The Earth was saved by them again, the Enterprise flew again, the family that there was formed was back home. It was more than Kirk would dare ask for, but he received much more than that. Spock was back and all that happened during this adventure gave him hope that things could be like before. Or should he say different? Not even he knew what he wanted, not beyond the vague and primal need for Spock at his side.

It was only when he returned to the bridge without his first officer that he realized that the Enterprise wasn't home that it had become if they were not together. How often did he chide himself for being too greedy and wanting more than the other could offer? He confronted him too soon with feelings that he wasn't ready to face, it was his fault that Spock left him and decided to eviscerate any and every feeling he had to become a being of pure logic, the computer that many accused him of being . But now...

Something was different. V'ger made Spock realize the importance of feelings, or at least that there was something beyond pure logic to be considered. "This simple feeling." It was then that Kirk was sure Spock could now give him the answer that was denied from him for so long. The unspoken question in his eyes was answered with a nod. Vulcans don't see the touch of hands superficially, but at the time they both needed contact. He would have kissed his fingers if Bones wasn't there, but in the presence of his friend he dared only to caresses them discreetly in the form of a veiled Vulcan kiss. It was a gesture of love and they both knew it. Love. It was hard for him to think of this term, he spent too much time using the word "friendship". But the two notions weren't so different, there is love between friends and friendship between lovers. An eternity seemed to have passed since this tradition began between them. "Jim, when I feel friendship for you, I'm ashamed." Such a strange sounding phrase, how it would sound more natural and true if the word "friendship" was replaced by "love". It was only after the threat had passed that he realized what those words meant, but by then it was too late and Spock had returned to isolating his feelings. Did Spock himself realize the real meaning of his words? Perhaps at the time he really believed in what he said, even though their friendship was demonstrated on several occasions without any hint of shame. What would have happened if he had been able to seize that opportunity? Maybe then they wouldn't have spent the better part of the next decade dancing around their feelings. And now he didn't know what would happen between them. Spock was still discovering the value of surrendering to what he felt, he couldn't demand anything of him at the time.

He was alone in his room, sitting in front of a 3D chess set. He would like to invite Spock for a game, but he feared that their regained relationship was yet too fragile. He was dominated by this dilemma when he heard the warning that someone was at the door. He opened it to find Spock standing in front of it and smiled.

- Spock. – he said still keeping the smile and gesturing for him to enter.

His invitation was accepted, but Spock just walked up until half of the room before stopping and standing uncomfortably. They faced each other with embarrassment for long moments, neither of them knew how to begin. After what seemed an eternity in silence, Kirk decided to sit on the small couch and indicating the place beside him. Again, he thought about offering a chess match, but that would only be delaying the inevitable.

Spock sat at the left end of the couch, keeping as much distance as possible between them. As the couch was so small, their knees were almost touching, but that still wasn't an encouraging sign.

- Jim, I... – he started a bit hesitant. - I have always believed that science and logic would bring me all the answers, but recently this belief has been questioned. Maybe my answers lie elsewhere. I'm sorry for leaving after what happened, but at that moment it was what I needed to do.

Kirk leaned forward, further decreasing the distance between them, and dared to land a hand on the other's knee. It was wonderful to see how Spock was again comfortable with the physical contact between them, as he always was before.

- All that matters is that you came back, the Enterprise didn't seem a home without you in it. –seeing Spock's expression, and anticipating what he would say, he smiled and added. - I know it's not logical, but it is so because I love you.

Kirk was as surprised by the end of that sentence as Spock was, the words just came out of his mouth before the thought could even verbalize itself in his mind, but they weren't the less true because of it. Tentatively, he offered the first two fingers of his right hand in a gesture he knew well, but had never tried so openly.

It was a big risk, maybe too big, but the potential reward was too tempting to allow prudence. However, he learned something from his mistakes. Last time he frightened Spock with a human kiss, so he hoped that the more familiar action could change the response.

Spock looked at him as if the captain had just undress in front of him, such was his surprise. His fingers had already touched several times, but this was different. This meant something totally different. It was a big step, and his answer would determine the course of the next few years of their relationship. A little hesitant, he slowly approached two fingers of Kirk's, without touching them. The same Spock who openly showed his affection at the infirmary now seemed not to know what to do. The gesture's symbolic weight was on his shoulders, as well as years of self-imposed repression.

So Kirk decided to go to him, resting his fingers gently over the Vulcan's. Seeing no sign of retreat, he proceeded to caress him, passing his digitals across the extension of the fingers, lingering in the back of the hand, making small circular movements. He focused as best he could to convey affection, knowing that feelings that were clear and strong would be more easily read. At that moment, he hated the fact that he wasn't of a telepathic race and that his telepathic ability was low even by human standards. He felt what he had felt many times before, he would always lack something to offer Spock. But if Sarek and Amanda could make it work, they could certainly do so also. At some point, Spock had closed his eyes, and now he opened his lips lightly. Seeing him in such open-hearted way was strangely erotic, but Kirk suppressed this thought before it could be read, it was too soon for that.

Finally, Spock stopped his movements with his other hand, but didn't break the contact. There was something unreadable in his eyes, and not for the first time, Kirk wanted to be able to read Spock's expressions more than he could.

- As a human, this does not mean anything to you. - Spock said with a slightly accusatory tone.

- No, as a human that doesn't mean anything to me. – he confessed while maintaining eye contact. - But it means something to you, so it means something to me. – he moved his left index finger, covering Spock 's lips with it. - And there's no use in saying that it's not logical, it's the way I feel.

Spock moved his hand still holding Kirk's wrist with the other, placing a soft kiss on the digit before moving it. Still without breaking the kiss on the right hand, he moved the left one, gently stroking Kirk's hair. After a moment to gather his courage or perhaps give up what little remained of his control, he pulled Kirk close to him and found his lips in a kiss that was little more than a brush.

The touch was gentle at first, but caught Kirk by surprise. After a moment, he gave himself into the feeling. It was only then that it occurred to him that Spock didn't know exactly what to do. He had rarely seen Spock kissing someone, and in all that times it was little more than a touch of lips, just like this. He also used his free hand to try to pull him closer, although it wasn't possible. He gently slid his tongue over Spock's lips, not sure if he would understand the gesture, but his action was quickly rewarded. Spock's mouth was a few degrees cooler, and feeling the temperature difference gave him a chill. Spock moved shyly, but soon began to mimic the other one's movements. Kirk didn't realize at any moment that he had restarted the caress with his right hand. They remained in such way for as long as their breath allowed them.

Kirk also broke the Vulcan kiss, involving Spock's right hand with his own and bringing it to his lips, and then he started to deposit small kisses at his fingertips.

This action nearly cost Spock his control, and if wasn't for the years of discipline acquired since he left the Enterprise, he would have been driven by pure instinct.

- I always imagined that the Vulcans considered kisses illogical. – he said with a smirk.

- The mouth contains less bacteria than the hands, making the human tradition of kisses more hygienic than a handshake. I don't see why they would be considered illogical. – he replied with a raised eyebrow.

It was an attitude so typical of Spock he couldn't help but smile.

However, the smile didn't last long, something bothered him. He feared that this was only a fleeting happiness before more suffering.

- I want you to stay here with me, in the Enterprise. – he said in a serious tone, but it was an request in which he had laid all of his heart.

- Always. – the other answered without hesitation, and after a moment he added. - You are my t'hy'la , my place is at your side. I will not leave again.

Kirk recognized the Vulcan word with a smile. It was with great regret that he acknowledged that he still didn't speak the language, but he knew well the meaning of that word. Vulcans don't speak of love, it's against their philosophy, but the word would be properly translated as soul mate. Maybe it was better than a declaration of love, because he knew that this wasn't a title bestowed lightly.

- So, how about a game of chess? – he suggested feeling the weight of all worries left him.

- I would be happy.

The answer surprised him in the best possible way, his best expectation was to get an "it would be acceptable" or "it would be amendable". With a somewhat flirty smirk, he indicated the table where the board was already set.

And for a few hours, they were all that existed and nothing else in the universe mattered.


End file.
